The Happiness has to come from me...

I love my family but, especially my nephews

2012-02-12T01:55:00.002-05:00

I love them all so much. I love my parents, sisters, Grandparents, Aunts, Uncles, and Cousins. I love my neice. But most of all I love the two guys who capture my heart in the first moments I meet them my nephews. I have had a good Valentines Day weekend and it is thanks to the two smarts, cutest, and funniest guys I know.

Fan fics

2012-02-12T01:50:00.002-05:00

When tv or life get's in my way I love to write my way out of it. Writing is a beautiful thing. I am happy to have readers and reviews it is encouraging. I love to read others stories. They make me smile, laugh, and crying.

A question that made me wanna cry and then laugh...

2012-02-12T01:21:00.002-05:00

I got asked one of those questions. Don't you want to be in a relationship? It was asked by someone who I consider a friend. That's when I realized just how lost I have been. When did I become that friend? When did I become so jealous of everyone who has someone? When did I stop being me?

This is the answers. Everyone wanted to know why I didn't love my ex. I did love him. I just loved myself more. I pretended to be this extremely selfless person guess what it caught up with me. Ask anyone who knew me in high school I can hold myself in high regards. I never doubted myself back in the day. Every time I start caring too much about others I suffer. In my opinion it's unfavor. I can love with my whole heart I just want that back. Is it so wrong to want it all? I want love, I want enough money to not have to worry all the time. I want a husband and I want a child or children. I would love to have step children. I want to be as good of a Mom as I believe I am a Aunt.

So yes I want a relationship. I want to fall in love and have them fall back. I want to be married. I want kids. I want it all. And guess what I am tired of pretending I don't. Because honestly I like me heck I even love me. Maybe I needed to be single to find that out. Maybe I needed to pull away to see it. Guess what I am back and I want my future. So I will continue to get on dating sites and talk to guys I know are single. Who know maybe my match is out there.

RIP Whitney Houston

2012-02-12T01:15:00.002-05:00

Another amazing icon in music has died. I am sadden for her daughter, family, and friends. She will always be remembered by her music.

I love football

2012-02-05T23:01:00.002-05:00

I love me some football. Tonight was the Super Bowl. The Giants played a great game. It was a great game. I truly enjoyed every moment.

Working on me...

2012-01-17T21:09:00.001-05:00

I got highly distracted from my goals for 2012. I am re-focusing. First of all I have to figure out my job. Can I keep it do I want to keep it? Next is how do I find a guy who I can truly fall in love with?

Keeping promises...

2012-01-11T18:11:00.001-05:00

Keeping promises is always important. I've always tried my best to keep my promises. Most of the promises I have broken have been to myself. So this year 2012 I am going to work on keeping the promises I have made to myself. The first is to blog more. The second is to be more open. The third is to try new things. That's it for now.

Fanfiction

2012-01-07T22:40:00.002-05:00

For a long time now I have been obsessed with fanfiction. I started out reading it. At first it was just Instant Star. I also wrote Instant Star Fanfiction. Then I joined the site Fanfiction.net. Since then I have been reading and writing a lot of different kinds. It's been a lot of fun. It has also been a good stress reliever.

tv and music...

2012-01-06T20:52:00.002-05:00

First of all I don't watch nearly as much tv as I once did. Here are the shows I take time to watch in no certain order.
1. Criminal Minds 2. NCIS 3. One Tree Hill 4. Bones 5. Storage Wars 6. Teen Mom 2 7. The Voice 8. The Sing Off 9. The Biggest Loser 10. Switched at Birth 11. Top Chef 12. Cup Cake Wars 13. Chopped 14. Iron Chef America 15. Say Yes to the Dress 16. Four Weddings 17. Cake Boss 18. Income Property 19. Cash and Cari 20.Real House Wives (Beverly Hills)21. Chef Roble' and Co. 22. Rachel Zoe 23. Reruns of my fav shows that are no longer on the air.

Music: My current playlist obessions: 1. Love the way you Lie 2. Ordinary Girl 3. Gallery 4. Ours to Keep 5. Juliet 6. I Gotta a Feeling 7. Just the way you are 8. Lazy Song 9. Stuck like Glue 10. Maybe 11. Dear John 12. Speak Now 13. My kind of crazy 14. The Time 15. You can't Hide Beautiful 16. Sorry 17. The Show Goes on 18. Broken 19. Barely Breathing 20. Animals 21. I'd Come for you 22. Just a Kiss 23. Leave it all to Shine 24. Missin you 25. Halo 26. Heaven 27. Dirt Road 28. It Could Be You 29. I'm in love with my Guitar 30. Waste My Time 31. Time to be your 21 32. Skin 33. Pick Up The Pieces 34. Stupid Girl 35. Anyone But You 36. Who Am I Fooling? 37. Liar Liar 38. How I feel 39. White Lines 40. Shooting Star 41. Darkness Around The Sun 42. Don't You Dare 43. Love to Burn 44. What You Need 45. Ultra Violet 46. Deeper 47. Remind Yourself 48. Perfect 49. Here we Go Again 50. 2 am

On-line dating sites

2012-01-06T20:43:00.003-05:00

Okay so last year I tried on line dating for the first time. I figured it couldn't hurt. Well maybe I was wrong lol. Okay I'm not saying there aren't good ones out there. What I am saying is that there are a lot of creepy single men out there. Most of these men scared me. One said d**n you're beautiful will you marry me and have my children. I was like delete. I only really met three guys worth talking to. That is out of four different sites. Now yes I am sure the best sites would have some great guys but listen I don't have any money. None people I'm in debt I can't afford to be paying for a dating site. Anyways I did met one guy in person he was nice. But there was no spark. I don't know maybe I just need to be a little more old fashion. I just wish I was introduced to a nice funny single guy who hopefully has a job, car, and maybe his own place. I don't think that's being picky. And I don't even care that he has kids as long as he is willing to marry and have kids with me at some point lol.

Just a little fun...

2012-01-06T20:41:00.002-05:00

So all my blogs lately have been super serious. So my plan is that I write three blog post tonight. None of them on serious topics. The first will be on on line dating. The second on tv shows and music I'm into right now. The third on my fan fics.

Reading old post

2012-01-05T03:45:00.002-05:00

I was reading a bunch of old post. I realize just how much I have grown. First of all I know for a fact that Jason was a mistake. I had to learn it for myself. No one can tell me. Next is that Chrissie is truly the bestfriend anyone could ever have. Also I have an awesome family who I love very much. Lastly I have learned that the lost I have suffered the people who are no longer with us are premantly in my heart. I miss them all so much. I also found myself laughing a lot. I thought I knew so much especially about love and guess what I knew nothing.

Happy New Year

2012-01-05T03:05:00.002-05:00

Happy New year. I am happy 2012 has started. I am looking forward to a new year. Hopefully it will bring good things. I am wishing my Family and friends and wonderful 2012. Hope this year brings good things to us all. Much love. :)

Christmas

2011-12-29T01:20:00.002-05:00

Christmas Eve was spent with some of my Mom's family. It was really nice to get to spend time with two of my Uncles and Aunts and cousins. I really enjoyed getting to be with both my Papaw Bob and Mamaw Joanie. My Mom, older sis Bran, Jim, and my nephews Brodie and Drew were also here. The food was good too. Then later Chrissie came over and we exchanged gifts. I loved my snacks and was really happy to see her! I also got a gift card and note books and pens from my Uncle who got my name in our drawing.

Christmas morning Brodie and Drew woke me up early. They opened their gifts from Santa. Then we opened gifts with my parents, sisters, and nephews. I got two hoodies which I love under cloths that I needed so badly. A stocking full of goodies from both Santa and from my lil sis. My older sis and Jim got me a game I really wanted. My Mom and Dad also gave me a gift card I have already ordered books with.

We went to my Memaw's and opened gifts there. I got a gift card. Then we came back to my house and my Mom made us an amazing Christmas dinner. It was great to get to spend time with all of my family. My favorite gifts weren't the ones I unwrapped. They were the time I spent with everyone the kisses I got from my niece. And the hugs I got from my nephews. Christmas night I got to spend more time with Chrissie and also with a new friend. I got bath stuff from Barb and Jenny which is nice because I didn't really get body spray from anyone else.

Best part of Christmas this year is I didn't feel alone. And I have hope that Christmas of 2012 will bring me someone special to kiss under the misotle toe.

Throwing away the last letter...

2011-11-22T12:31:00.002-05:00

So I had thought I had thrown out my letter from Jason a long time ago. Turns out I didn't. I was cleaning and found the bag of them. So I came to a conclusion I have shared with few people. I wonder if the man in the letters even exisited. I feel like he never came home. Anyways I guess throwing out the last letter is like saying goodbye to it all. Jason has showed little interst in being my friend which is fine now. I'm honestly pissed though. I was his lifeline in those letters but once he was home it all meant nothing to him. I hate that I still care though. I wish I didn't care about him at all. I wish I could snap my fingers and just be over all of it once and for all. I am just so very lucky to have my bestfriend Chrissie she once again is saving my sanity. Anyways I have a feeling 2012 is going to be the best year ever for me, my family, and my friends.

Hello Old friend

2011-11-16T05:21:00.002-05:00

It's been a very long time. I am still single but now instead of hating it everyday and feeling like a loser I feel happy. I am lucky I have so much in my life. I have a job, my family, my best friend, and some other good friends. I have been much healthier this year. If it wasn't for money problems I wouldn't have much to complain about. Though there are a few things going on right now. First there is my ex boyfriend getting married. Yes he is getting married. I'm not in love with him but it still hurts. Mainly because he was never willing to talk about a future with me. It wasn't that he didn't want to get married it's that he didn't want to marry me. That hurts a lot. Next is my friend Luke decided he doesn't want to be friends anymore. That hurts a lot too. I recently had a bad night at work and that is effecting me also. Lastly is that my older sister and nephews are moving soon. I am going to miss them so badly. Now onto the good things. I am almost done with my Christmas shopping thanks to my Mom's help. My Mamaw Joanie will be moving soon. I am feeling happy with myself as a person. Breaking Dawn comes out Friday and I am so excited. My writing of fan fics is going strong. Lastly and the best is that my best friend Chrissie and I have been reconnecting like we use to be. It been so good. She has helped me like no other. I still want a husband and children but I am now willing to wait for the right man and the right time. Hopefully I won't wait so long next time. Until next time...

I'm still hurt

2011-05-26T02:54:00.002-04:00

Saturday I spent time with my ex boyfriend who is also a friend. I realized I am still so hurt from last year. I am moving on and know I deserve better. But the way he treated me the things he said they still hurt. I may have broke up with him but he broke my heart and less than two months later he was with someone else. It hurt me. After all the times I had been there for him how could he do that? Why wasn't I worth it? I ask myself the question whenever I think of him.

Anxiety

2011-05-26T02:52:00.002-04:00

The anxiety I feel now is crazy. Almost once a day sometimes more I start worrying. I get upset. I feel fear. I fear the future, the past, the present. I fear myself and others. I fear death. I fear all. I just don't want to feel this way anymore. I'm hoping to get to the doctor soon.

What we're you doing when you found out Osama Bin Laden was killed...

2011-05-02T01:29:00.002-04:00

One of the many reporters I've watched in the last few hours said like on 9/11 it will be asked what were you doing when you found out Osama Bin Laden had been killed. I don't believe that killing is right. But in this case I do believe that a man who helped in killing thousands of Americans and many others from countries all over the world is a much better place without this man. This isn't about religion or about politics. It is about the real fight of Good vs. Evil. What was I doing you ask? I was seating on the couch in our Den watching the news it was about 10:30 pm. They announced the President was to speak. Then they announced that he would be confirming that Osama Bin Laden was killed. I do hope this is the beginning of a more peaceful world. I hope this news will bring some comfort to those who lost loved ones in 9/11. I hope this will bring strength to our country and to our soldiers. I hope this will being more unity to our country. I'm a Caucasian female a democrat and a Methodist but I am foremost an American. God Bless the USA and the World keep the fight for Good going.

anxiety issues

2011-04-20T01:37:00.002-04:00

Yes I've been having some major anxiety issues. It's Spring so Tornado's are common. I've always had a fear of Tornado's. Also I've been worrying a lot too much. Mainly when I'm alone and bored. I've been thinking about death alot too. I'm afraid that I'll die and not have done all the things I want. I'm not excited about turning 29 in June. I don't have a boyfriend and I honestly want one. I don't just want a boyfriend I want a future husband and someone who wants to have babies with me. I've been worrying something bad will happen and I've been really stressing about it. I don't really know how to stop. I'm hoping by talking about this here it will help. I haven't really shared this with anyone. Everyone thinks this is just my normal stress but it isn't. If anyone has any suggestions on how to help please comment. I'm just hoping with time it'll get better like I said it's really bad when I'm alone and not busy so I'm trying to not be either alone or bored.

Really like this song

2011-03-27T20:17:00.000-04:00

"Sorry, Blame It On Me"

As life goes on I’m starting to learn more and more about responsibility
I realize everything I do is affecting the people around me
So I want to take this time out to apologize for things I have done
And things that have not occurred yet
And the things they don’t want to take responsibility for

I’m sorry for the times I left you home
I was on the road and you were alone
I’m sorry for the times that I had to go
I’m sorry for the fact that I did not know
That you were sitting home just wishing we
Could go back to when it was just you and me
I’m sorry for the times I would neglect
I’m sorry for the times I disrespect

I’m sorry for the wrong things that I’ve done
I’m sorry I’m not always there for my son
I’m sorry for the fact that I'm not aware
That you can’t sleep at night when I am not there
Because I am in the streets like everyday
Sorry for the things that I did not say
Like how you are the best thing in my world
And how I'm so proud to call you my girl

[Bridge]
I understand that there are some problems
And I am not too blind to know
All the pain you kept inside you
Even though you might not show
If I can apologize for being wrong
Then it’s just a shame on me
I’ll be the reason for your pain and you can put the blame on me

[Chorus]
You can put the blame on me [4x]
Said you can put the blame on me [3x]
You can put the blame on me

Sorry for the things that he put you through
And all the times you didn’t know what to do
Sorry that you had to go and sell those packs
Just trying to stay busy till you heard from Dad
And you would rather be home with all your kids
As one big family with love and bliss
And even though Pops treated us like kings

He got a second wife and you didn’t agree
He got up and left you there all alone
I’m sorry that you had to do it on your own
I’m sorry that I went and added to your grief
I’m sorry that your son was once a thief
I’m sorry that I grew up way too fast
I wish I would’ve listened and not be so bad
I’m sorry your life turned out this way
I’m sorry that the FEDS came and took me away

[Bridge]

[Chorus]

I’m sorry that it took so long to see
They were dead wrong trying to put it on me
I’m sorry that it took so long to speak
But I was on tour with Gwen Stefani
I’m sorry for the hand that she was dealt
For the embarrassment that she felt
Just a little young girl trying to have fun
Her daddy should never let her out that young
I’m sorry for Club Zen getting shut down
I hope they manage better next time around
How was I to know she was underage
In a 21 and older club they say
Why doesn’t anybody wanna take blame
Verizon backed out disgracing my name
I’m just a singer trying to entertain
Because I love my fans I’ll take that blame
Even though the blame’s on you [3x]
I’ll take that blame from you

And you can put that blame on me [2x]
You can put that blame on me
And you can put that blame on me

Starting to feel mental better

2011-03-27T20:16:00.001-04:00

I'm starting to feel better about everything. I have to work hard on my life no one else is going to. I am hoping to make some changes soon. I want to laugh more and feel numb less.

wow it's been a long time...

2011-03-26T03:07:00.003-04:00

It's been over two months since my last blog. I guess I haven't blogged because my mind as been so mixed up. I am still single which I'm not happy about. It's not just about wanting my future to start and get married and babies it's also about having someone to hold me kiss me make me feel safe. Illlnes has been the big thing so far this year. Everyone in my house has been sick atleast twice. Hopefully everyone will get better soon. As for me it's not my physical that's an issue it's my mental. I was hoping to go back to school soon but that's on hold atleast for now. My job is mental getting to be too much. So I'm looking into getting another job probably start really looking soon but I really want to start over in the fall. Anyway heres' hoping my anxiety get's better. And here's hoping everyone I care about health improves and we have a wonderful Spring and summer this year.

2011

2011-01-11T01:30:00.002-05:00

Yes it's new year. A prefect time for new beginnings. I have more than a few goals for this year.

1. learn to drive yes I'm very scared and nervous but I have to get this done.

2. pay off my doctor bills and credit cards here hoping I get a lot back on my taxes.

3. Go back to school. Yes I'm heading back to college not sure where or what I'll do yet still checking into things but it looks like I 'm going to stay in the medical field.

4. Get a serious boyfriend who is both serious about me and ready to start a life with me when the time is right.

These are my big goals I have a lot of other goals to. I won't be listing them. Anyway here's to a new year and starting over. May everyone have health and wealth this new year. :)

A thank you to my bestfriend. :)

2010-12-26T12:35:00.002-05:00

Chrissie I just wanted to say thank you for your friendship, advice, and listening to my drama. You are an amazing person I hope the New Year bring lots of wonderful things to your life. :) Oh and thank you for our shopping trip it was a lot of fun. We need to do it again soon. :)

The day after Christmas

2010-12-26T12:20:00.002-05:00

Well I had a truly wonderful Christmas. Christmas Eve was spent with some of my Mom's family. It was great to see two of my uncles and their families. Really nice talking with my cousins Jody and Kevin. And I was very thankful to have my Papaw Bob and Mamaw Joanie there. My cousin Kevin got my name in our drawing I got a Mejier gift card, candy dish, and candy. Christmas morning was great I watched the boys open their Santa gifts first. Then we had breakfast and after a lengthy wait for my lil sis we finally opened gifts. I got alot of nice things thank you to Dad, Mom, Kristine,Brandy, Jim, Brodie and Drew. I love my new clothes DVDs games farmville bucks my new bag. :) Then me got to my Memaw's. We ate first this year. I didn't eat much. But it was all good. Then we opened gifts I got two Wal-mart gc. :) I got some time with Baby Klarissa who is even more beautiful than before. I was happy to see my cousins Kim, Amanda, her husband Mike, and Daniel. Also my Uncles Kevin who sadly had to leave earlier to work.,Mark and Dan and Dan's girlfriend Laura they are all such fun loving people makes me feel lucky to have a family like that. But mostly I am happy that my Memaw is with us such a blessing to have a grandmother like her. After we left my Memaw's we went to Barb's. I really missed Chub. But it was nice to have Jason home. We are friends now and I am thankful for his friendship. I've always known he is a great guy and I wish him only good things and am glad we're friends now. It was great to see Barb and Jenny as well as Leigh, Gary, Sonia, Michael and their two cutie kids. It was a wonderful Christmas I also got to talk with all of my god children some I haven't talked to in years. Anyways looking forward to a New Year and all the surprises to come in 2011. :)

Family update

2010-12-19T00:06:00.002-05:00

It's been forever since I've blogged. I have so much to say so I figured I would break it down to different topics for each blog. First up is my crazy but loving family. We had a wonderful Thanksgiving. I got to spend it with all my Dad's family except Lisa and Shayla. We missed them. I got to spend some quality time with the newest member Klarissa. She is so beautiful I can't wait for Christmas to get to see everyone again. I got to spend some time with my Mamaw Joanie recently that was fun and a little crazy sometimes it surprises me how much I'm like her. I haven't seen much of my Papaw Bob. Other than that everyone is good. Little sis is really happy to have her boyfriend home for the holidays. I have watched my nephews some recently they make me smile and laugh a lot and they let me pretend to be a kid again. I am so looking forward to Christmas.

Klarissa Lynn

2010-11-08T23:54:00.002-05:00

Well Kim finally had her baby. :) I didn't get to go see her today since I was suppose to work. But I can't wait to see her. I saw pictures and she is so cute. Welcome to the World Klarissa Lynn. So excited that we have a new family member in the Reynolds family. I know my Aunt Kathy is looking down on her daughter and granddaughter as well as my Papaw Carlos. Congrates to my Uncle Kevin on his granddaughter. And to my Memaw on her first great-granddaughter. Mostly Congrates to Kim on your baby girl. I know you'll be a terrific Mommy. And if you ever need a sitter call me. :)

Luke

2010-11-08T23:52:00.001-05:00

Well Luke left this morning. I haven't really blogged cause I really didn't know how I felt or what to say. But now I do I really do like Luke but I understand he needs to do this. It's only six months. Anyways I'm going to keep looking for a guy to take me out. Luke swears I'm gonna be in a relationship a serious one by the time he get's back. Anyways I can still e-mail and plan to we are friends after all. :)

Update on Marrissa and Baby Rosie

2010-11-08T23:48:00.002-05:00

Baby Rosie got to go home Thursday and is doing great. Her Big Sister loves her already. Marrissa's surgery went well and she's recovering she'll be home hopefully tomorrow. I know she can't wait to get home to her girls. Rosie is too cute she has golden brown hair and blue eyes. I don't have any pics to post yet but hopefully I'll get some soon.

Writing

2010-11-05T23:55:00.002-04:00

I have tried to make my fan fics my big thing this past week. I got very behind. I didn't feel like writing about love when Jason and I split. Anyways now I feel like I can write about love again it is actually healing to me. I will fall in love again and next time it will hopefully be with a guy who can give me what I need. Anyways I love having many different stories to write on so I don't get bored. I have three going on line and two more on paper. I actually going to wrap this up to go type.

Babies...

2010-11-05T23:51:00.002-04:00

Well my friend Marrissa had her baby Monday. Rosalie Anglie Water was born at 7:03 AM she was 7 lbs 2 oz 19 inches. Mom and baby are both doing well. My cousin Kim was due on the second but still no baby yet. They are inducing her Sunday night. She's excepting a baby girl also. I hope everything goes well for her. I can't wait to have a new baby girl in the family.

Annoyed

2010-10-21T23:53:00.002-04:00

Health stream you drive me crazy. I didn't have to work tonight. I decided to get some of my health stream test done for work and it's down. Figures maybe some other time this weekend. Anyways listen to music.

People in my thoughts...

2010-10-21T23:48:00.002-04:00

There are a lot of people currently in my thoughts tonight. Each has their own sitution I wouldn't want to share anything they wouldn't want me to. Anyway let's just say this these people are in my thoughts. Chrissie, Marrissa, Cameron, Logan, Kristine, Kim, Luke, and Chris. Each of you our in my thoughts tonight I hope each of your situtions get better.

Writing

2010-10-21T23:31:00.002-04:00

I have wrote three poems since my split with Jason. They are pretty damn awesome. I always write better when my heart is stomped on lol. I guess I can share a little bit of them. So here it is...

You never tried to be a good boyfriend.
You never gave a damn how I felt.
Guess what Babe life ain't about you no more.
I ain't cryin' over you.
You don't deserve my tears
You never even tried to be my friend
After everything I've done
I'm done with you
I ain't cryin' over you
You ain't worth it
I hope she's happy
Oh yeah I heard you'll marry her

So anyways I don't feel mad or sad or bitter anymore I'm just over him and moving on. But he did help some writing.

Taylor you are my new hero girl I've been writing some too maybe I'll share soon???

2010-10-21T01:12:00.000-04:00

"Dear John
I see it all now that you're gone
Don't you think I was too young
To be messed with
The girl in the dress
Cried the whole way home
I should've known.

It was wrong
Don't you think nineteen's too young
To be played
By your dark, twisted games
When I loved you so.

My mother accused me of losing my mind
But I swore I was fine
You'll add my name to your long list of traitors
Who don't understand
And I'll look back in regret
I ignored what they said 'Run as fast as you can."

When did I last truly feel like my crazy funny self...

2010-10-14T04:35:00.002-04:00

If I'm honest about this answer. I would say it was a long time ago. When I started writing a family friend who was in prison. When I started writing him and I gave him me I lost myself. I lost parts of me. Now I want them back. In high school I would say most people thought I was insane. I lied too much. But I had fun. I never cared what anyone thought. When I became Jason's girlfriend then his fiancee' then tried to get him back then his girlfriend again and again I was always trying to be someone I'm not. Someone I didn't even really like that much. I'm fun I'm crazy I'm different. That isn't a bad thing. Changing who I am for someone else is wrong. If you really love me you love who I am not who you want me to be. So getting back out there as sucked so far. I've talked to a few guys. But no dates yet. He's engaged to his ex now. I have nothing negative to say about her to be honest I feel sorry for her because if he treats her anything like he did me then she deserves better. Anyways so where to find a guy? Not work or church? I don't really go to church plus I don't want anyone overly religious if I get someone from work then we break up I'll still have to see them. So where to find a guy??? Hoping someone will help him find me. :) Let's hope I run into my future boyfriend soon.

Must sees...

2010-09-26T01:16:00.002-04:00

Okay I have two new shows for the season that are must sees. The first is Mike and Molly. It was too funny and well worth checking out. The second is my Generation this one is es specially good if it's been about 10 years since you graduated. My must see movie is Easy A it is freakin hilarious. I had a middle school thing that happened. So the movie seemed familiar but in a good way.

Putting the past were it belongs

2010-09-26T01:07:00.002-04:00

I talked to J.B. he was my boyfriend off and on from 13 to 18 years old. Our relationship sucked. The way we treated each other was wrong. It wasn't love it wasn't even like. I was so stupid and young but he was hot and at times fun. I loved his kids so much. Now at 28 I'm finally letting all that go. Actually I'm letting go of my past. All my what if's and what could've been. Tonight I'm letting go moving on. I want more than any of those guys were willing to offer me. I want to be loved truly fully like I deserve. Some may say this is just a dream. But I don't believe that. I believe that through the good and bad through the pain and joy that there is one man out there who'll stand at my side and be proud to be there as I am at his side. This guy will be funny, sweet, maybe a little crazy, cute even if it's just to me, and he'll love me like I deserve to be loved. I don't know if we've ever met who know he could be on my facebook or at my work. He could live down the street. He could be friends with my friends maybe we went to school together. Maybe we've never met but will one day some day hopefully soon. The past and the men in it are there and I'm looking forward to my future.

Bye bye

2010-09-26T01:06:00.000-04:00

Boy you sure look good there standin' in the doorway in the sunset light
Maybe I read you wrong thinkin' you could be my Mr. Right
I was puttin' my heart and soul on the line
Said you needed some time, just a little more time to make up your mind
Well it's been long enough
Time is up

Bye bye love, I'll catch you later
Got a lead foot down on my accelerator and the rearview mirror torn off
I ain't never lookin' back. And that's a fact.
I've tried all I can imagine
I've begged and pleaded in true lover's fashion
I've got pride, I'm takin' it for a ride
Bye bye, bye bye my baby, bye bye

Don't think all those tears are gonna hold me here like they've done before
You'll find what's left of us in a cloud of dust on highway 4
Baby what did you expect me to do
Just sit around and wait on you
Well I'm through watchin' you just skate around the truth
And I know it sounds trite
I've seen the light

Bye bye love, I'll catch you later
Got a lead foot down on my accelerator and the rearview mirror torn off
'Cause I ain't never lookin' back, and that's a fact.
I've tried all I can imagine
I've begged and pleaded in true lover's fashion
I've got pride, I'm takin' it for a ride
Bye bye, bye bye my baby, bye bye

I'd lost the game I guess
I did my best to win the part
Now I'm leavin' here with what's left of my heart.
Bye bye, I'll catch you later
Got a lead foot down on my accelerator and the rearview mirror torn off
'Cause I ain't never lookin' back.
You can count on that.
I've tried all I can imagine
I've begged and pleaded in true lover's fashion
I've got pride, I'm takin' it for a ride
Bye bye, bye bye my baby, bye bye

Bye bye
Ooh baby
Oh oh
Bye bye, bye bye my baby, bye bye

This weekend...

2010-09-23T23:03:00.003-04:00

This weekend a have a few plans. Hopefully get to have some fun. Anyways one big thing is I am talking to my ex boyfriend. He and I were together off and on for five years. He has had alot of issues. He's finally willing to listen and I'm willing to talk about everything. This is something that should've been put behind me ten years ago but now I am. It's time for the past to be just that. I've moving on from the past and into the present. I've decided if I haven't found a guy to date by the end of October I will start really looking. I'm not desperate but it would be nice to date. And you never know the right guy for me could be right on front of me and me not even know. I've always went for the bad boy now I want a good guy. So we'll see.

Kim's shower

2010-09-23T22:58:00.004-04:00

Sunday we had my cousin Kim's baby shower. My cousin Kim is 18 and is due on Nov. 2 with a baby girl. To me this is my first niece because she's always been a lil sis to me just like Kristine is. Anyway she got a lot of nice things and the shower was hard work but a lot of fun. Brandy did such a good job and I think I was a good assiant. Chrissie and Carrie's diaper cake was awesome and I was so glad they were there. They also took pics for us so again thank you too. Also a thank you to my Mom who got us the room and for her help. Kim is so cute with her baby belly. Can't wait to see the baby.

a poem I wrote

2010-09-23T22:58:00.001-04:00

Caught up in the noisy. Thought I wasn't good enough for you. Felt so gulity for all the wrong I did. Thought you were here to save me from myself. Didn't learn from the past. So many times it screamed for me to run far away from you. I deserve so much more than your broken promises. I walk away with no gulit no... remorse not heart broken now. I don't want prince Charming I just want to be #1.

Song :)

2010-09-13T22:01:00.001-04:00

You said I was your everything
You said I was the one
You played me and like a radio
You used the love that I had no shame
Put my pain into words
Hold my hand to the flame

Tell me you love me like a star
Tell me you want me wherever you are
Tell me you breathe me till your last breath
Liar liar
Oh, liar liar

Bit by bit I feel the draught
Just sit back and watch it bump
Hold your eyes up to my veins
Call out call my name

Tell me you love me like a star
Tell me you want me wherever you are
Tell me you breathe me till your last breath
Liar liar
Oh, liar liar
Liar liar
Oh, liar liar
Tell me you love me like a star
Tell me you want me wherever you are
Tell me you breathe me till your last breath
Liar liar
Oh, liar liar

Been kind of busy

2010-09-10T00:41:00.002-04:00

I haven't had a change to update lately. I've been working. I hung out with my older sister and nephews. I've been working on my fan fics. Laundry was super crazy last week. I have a new friend and he's going through a hard time right now. Anyway this week is the Memory Walk which is on Sept. 11 an important day in America. So I will be posting about both 9-11 and the walk. Anyways that's it for now.

What do you do when you realize...

2010-08-31T01:41:00.002-04:00

What do you do when you realize it wasn't healthy? What do you do when you realize you aren't hurting anymore? When you realize he can't hurt you anymore? When you can't hurt yourself anymore? When you know it's truly over?

Do I love him? Did I ever love him in a healthy way? Did I want too much? Did he give me what I truly deserve? Why am I not crying? Why do I feel so relieved? Did I hope he would agree to this?

So many questions and I can honestly answer them for once in my life. Yes I love him but I'm not in love with him anymore I never believed you could just fall out of love but I've lived it. I always wanted him more than he wanted me even when we were young that's not healthy. Yes I do want a lot but honestly in this moment I want someone to want me. That isn't too much to ask. I'm not crying because I'm not sad. I knew it would be hard to talk to him but I did it and honestly I hope he finds someone to love and support him I do want him happy. I feel relived because if it would've went on it would've ended so badly and I don't want that. I do care about him. Yeah I'm honestly glad he didn't fight why fight for something that isn't going to work. Now I'm moving on. It's time to see who I am without him as such a big part of my life he'll always be in it but he'll be like he was before without my crush screwing things up. I can't change the past but I can the future.

A day at the Fair

2010-08-28T23:43:00.000-04:00

Today was awesome. I went to the fair with my friends Chrissie and Carrie. It was hot but fun. We saw all the animals and a ton of displays. But my favorite part was the food. Gotta love a Funnel cake. Anyways it was a fun and relaxful day. I'm looking forward not back and smiling while I do it.

Just a short little post..

2010-08-24T04:14:00.002-04:00

I finally talked to Jason. It was hard really hard but I have to make myself happy. So I gave him some options and we decided to do our own thing. And when we have time we;ll talk. Honestly I love Jason I always have always will but I have to make myself happy and I guess that's without him as my boyfriend. I hope he will find someone and be happy. Now I'm back out there. I would love to just date. I'm going to take a little time and then date. I'm going to put myself first and be selfish for a while and have fun. I use to have fun all the time no matter what I was doing I'm going to try and get that back.

1000

2010-08-20T23:55:00.002-04:00

Yeah I know whoa. I can't believe I made it to 1000. It's been almost five years since I started this blog. In 2005 I was still in college hadn't moved into my new house yet. So much has changed in my life. So many new people have entered. Sadly their are people who have exited my life both by choice and those who are no longer with us. Let's talk about the happy things first. I finally graducate college in May of 2006. I have my two amazing nephews who are now almost ten and six. I have a job and recently got good news at my job. I still have my bestfriend Chrissie in my life. After many twist and turns I know Chrissie and I are meant to be in eachother's lives. I hope she has all the most happiness in her life she deserves it. My cousin Kim is having a baby I know she was just a little girl herself and now she's having one. I hope Kim and Haleigh find much happiness in their lives she my lil sis in my heart. My older sister is engaged I hope she has all good things come her way she's always been a great big sister. My little sister is a Senior in high school. She is planning on college. Here's hoping baby sis has a bright future also. My grandparents are so very important to me my new goal is to let them know that as much as possible. I still miss my Papaw Carlos who we lost in May of 2005. My parents they are great people they can drive me nuts but I'll always be Daddy's little girl and Momma's baby girl. My Uncles have all had things happen both good and bad. My uncle Dan brought Laura into our lives. She's funny and so nice. Then there's Mark and Lisa two of my fav people they are both so inspiring. And little Shayla so beautiful and smart. My Uncle Kevin he's been taking care of Kim and working his butt off. My Aunt Kathy passed away almost two years ago. I miss her so much and I know she would be excited about her first granddaughter. Kathy was so easy to talk to. She loved to talk just like me. My other cousins no I didn't forget Amanda or Daniel. Amanda is now married to Mike it's great to see her married and happy. Daniel's still young and I hope he's enjoying every second. I don't see my Mom's family much. But I do hope all my Uncles and Aunts are doing well. As for my cousin's I miss you all very much and hope we can catch up soon and you and all your kids for those who have them are good. On to my friends that would be the hugest change. I would say besides Chrissie I haven't had many friends who have stood by me for long. My newest friend would be Carrie thank you for listening to me and I enjoy hanging out with you and Chrissie so much. I now would say there's Cameron, Marrissa, and Logan my NY friends take care of baby Bella and I hope Rosie is born a happy healthy baby. Friends I miss is Mikey man we don't talk enough. And I still miss Scott. He would be laughing at me right now I'm sure but he would still have stood by whatever I decided. Yes I know I haven't mentioned the most mentioned person in the last five years. Jason! Why did I leave his last? Why haven't I mentioned him lately? I can't go into that yet. My head and heart are still working out my feelings on those questions. Let's just say I still love him and I always will no matter what. I miss Chub Jason's Dad too. I do hope Barb can find the strength and knows how loved she is. Jenny Jason's sister she has been so good to me especially with Jason I hope she knows I appericate it. There are so many more people who have touched me sorry if you weren't mentioned by name but know that every word means something to me. Now on to the question I would ask if I was reading this. Is this goodbye? Is she going nuts? No it's not good bye. No I'm not going nuts. I just wanted to truly thank those people who mean alot to me. And I wanted to start fresh. Put the old away and start new. Hopefully with better health and better luck in love. So stay tuned trust me it's going to be a bumpy ride but isn't it always with the real drama queen who wants so much but isn't sure if she'll get it or how to. So thank you so much to everyone who reads this. I love you all blogger friend.

Thankful for some very special people in my life

2010-08-15T22:49:00.002-04:00

I have lots of wonderful people in my life who I truly love. But this is for a special few who have been very supportive recently. First there are my nephews Brodie and Drew they make me feel like such an amazing person. Secondly there are my sisters Brandy and Kristine they listen to me and help in anyway they can. Then there's a few selective friends. Last but not least there's Chrissie. Chrissie can make me feel better in no time. I can be completely honest with her she knows me so I don't pretend with her. She's an awesome friend and I feel lucky to have her in my life. Don't forget Chick that you are important glad we got to talk.

The end of summer vaction

2010-08-15T22:46:00.001-04:00

The boys go back to school Tuesday. I have very mixed emotions. I have been watching them at least twice a week the whole summer. Though it will be nice to get back into my own stuff I will miss them so very much. I wish Brodie and Drew a very awesome school year. Tuesday is also Drew's 6th birthday. He's getting so big. Aunt Cindy loves them both so very much.

So very true

2010-08-12T17:19:00.000-04:00

"Oh yes, the past can hurt. But, you can either run from it or, learn from it."

- Rafiki, from The Lion King

A quote oh so true.

2010-08-12T17:06:00.000-04:00

1931 William Goldman was born on August 12, 1931
"Life isn't fair. It's just fairer than death, that's all."

A lot on my mind

2010-08-08T17:28:00.002-04:00

I have had a lot on my mind. I need a new job really bad. I am hoping to get a day job and not have to work weekends. I also am feeling like certian people don't need me. I just want some attention. Also I am missing the old me. I use to be so crazy and fun and sometimes I still am. But I wish i was that way more often. Anyways I need to start doing more not just staying in this house all the time.

Fan fics

2010-08-08T17:23:00.002-04:00

I have been writing on my fan fics. I have three going. Sometimes I feel like I want to just write and write. Other times I'm blocked. I do love to write.

2010 Memory Walk

2010-08-08T17:16:00.002-04:00

It's that time a year again. I will be walking in Memory of my Papaw Carlos who passed away in 2005. This will be our fifth year walking. I am hoping to raise $150. I just got my first donation from my cousin Amy. If you know anyone who will sponsor me please share the link below or e-mail me at CindyCinlou@aol.com.

Welcome to 2010 Memory Walk Louisville, KY
Where: Louisville, KY
Waterfront Park Great Lawn

When: 11, September, 2010 - 8:30 a.m. registration, 9:30 walk start time

http://memorywalk2010.kintera.org/faf/home/default.asp?ievent=342395&lis=1&kntae342395=51AB942105CF4F12B3751783CA2351BA&login=t

Animal Crossing

2010-08-08T17:13:00.002-04:00

I am back tp playing Animal Crossing again. Tom my nephew's Dad bought it for me and the boys to play on my Game Cube. I forgot how much I love this game. It is the first video game I've been truly addicted to. Anyways me both Brodie and Drew and also Kristine have all been playing. It been fun and it's brought back alot of memories.

Being sick sucks

2010-08-08T17:11:00.001-04:00

Being sick sucks. I hate being sick. I had a sore throat, headache, low grade fever, cough, cold, and ear ache. It took about five days before I got better. I couldn't even work this past week. Anyway it sucked big time.

Summer

2010-07-31T22:19:00.002-04:00

This is my like and dislike list for summer...

Likes...
1. Big Brother
2. Getting to hang out with my nephews and my cousin Kim & my lil sis Kristine the other babysitters
3.ice cream
4. beautiful nights but sometimes we have those in winter
5. wearing as little clothes as possible
6. Playing in the water

Dislikes...
1. Hotter than H*ll
2. sweating
3. All the bugs
4. Nothing on tv but Big Brother
5. Have a mentioned the heat
6. No chance at snow and I love snow

Addictions

2010-07-31T22:13:00.002-04:00

1. fan fics
2. Food especially ones that are really bad for you
3. sex
4. Jason lol that goes with three
5. Music
6. reading
7. Big Brother gotta love summer
8. Criminal Minds love me some Morgan he's so hot and I loved him on Y&R
9. Bones
10. Numbers
11. Cold Case
12. Instant Star yes it's been off the air like forever
13. Animal Crossing
14. Big Red I have no idea how people in the South can live there lol
15. Facebook baby
Lots of others...

I Love It Craig Morgan

2010-07-31T21:23:00.000-04:00

“I Love It”

Here she comes two hours late
But that girl's always worth the wait
Yea, and I love it

She's gotta tye-died shirt on wrong side out
She makes left of center seem right some how
aw and I love it

She's gotta way of be'in nonchalant
Kinda quirky, everything I'm not
She's so un-ordinary, so unpredictable it's scary
And I think I got more than what I bargained for
But I keep coming back for more of it
Cause I love it

She's got two tattoos, one's on her back
And I ain't sayin' where the other one's at
Yea, but I love it

She don't own a dress, but she's a beauty queen
Takes glamour shots in cut-off jeans
Yea and I love it

But if there's one thing that I love the most
It's how she does exactly what I think she won't

She's so un-ordinary, so unpredictable it's scary
And I think I got more than what I bargained for
Oh but I keep coming back for more of it
Aw, cause I love it

She's so un-ordinary, so unpredictable it's scary
Oh and I think I got more than what I bargained for
But I keep coming back for more of it
Yea and I love it
Yea I love it

Finding a new job

2010-07-31T21:01:00.003-04:00

I am currently trying to find a new job. I've been looking for a while. And I must say it sucks. I've applied for about 50 or more so far. Nothing yet not even a bit. I'm not even sure what I really want to do. I would like to work a Monday through Friday day job. But I don't know if that's possible. I have my AA degree but so far that hasn't helped much. If anyone know of any jobs message me on face book. I'm sooooooooooo stressed about this.

Since he's been home...

2010-07-31T20:23:00.002-04:00

So I haven't been blogging much. And no it's not because all my problems have disappeared. Not even close. But Jason's home. For so long I wasn't sure when he would be home or what would happened with he and I. But he's home now. It's been strange. I'm so use to worrying about my realtionship with him. I know I shouldn't get too comfortable but I am. I love him he loves me. It's the only thing I feel really good about in my life. And when he and I are alone I can see what a great future we can have. I don't need money or prefect I just need him. My biggest problem is with work, family, and other things that need our attention it's hard to make time for eachother. Sometimes I feel like he doesn't need me anymore but I know that's crazy he needs me as much as I need him. Time is now not the issue. Now it's just us getting our stuff together. And oh boy do I feel the pressure.

You Can't Hide Beautiful

2010-07-17T00:01:00.001-04:00

Artist: Lines Aaron
Song: You Can't Hide Beautiful
Album: Living Out Loud Aaron Lines Sheet Music

She says don't stare at me
She's afraid that I might see
Those 5 extra pounds she talks about
I don't know what she's talking about

She looks through magazines
With every page she dreams of
Looking like somebody else
I wish she wasn't so hard on herself

Then she falls asleep with just my t-shirt on
But even when her hair's messed up and her make-up's gone

You can't hide Beautiful
You can't hide wonderful
There's nothing that she has to do
It just comes natural
She makes it look easy
I love what she does to me
No way to disguise
The way that she shines
You can't hide beautiful

She can take a simple dress
Put it on and turn some heads
Everytime she moves she gets me
She doesn't even know she's sexy

And the way she thinks sometimes
Out of nowhere blows my mind
She makes me laugh and makes me dream
I love the way she looks at things

A little piece of heaven god gave to this world
She might think she's just an ordinary girl

You can't hide Beautiful
You can't hide wonderful
There's nothing that she has to do
It just comes natural
She makes it look easy
I love what she does to me
No way to disguise
The way that she shines
You can't hide beautiful

My week

2010-07-16T23:58:00.002-04:00

It was okay I guess just busy. Monday, Thursday, and Friday I watched the boys. I worked Tuesday night. 12 hours. I worked for a little while on Wed. My Friday night was having pizza hanging with my nephews and lil sis. I spent some time talking on the phone with my boyfriend. Hopefully I'll get to spend some time with him this weekend a little anyway. But we are both so busy.

Last weekend

2010-07-16T23:27:00.002-04:00

Last weekend was awesome. Friday night Jason picked me up. We had dinner and hung out. It was a nice peaceful and fun 24 hours lol. Saturday night I went to my Memaw's saw my Aunt Pat and Debbie from Texas and they brought their neighbor Laura with them. Debbie is so cool. My Aunt Pat is great. Laura is so nice. Also my Memaw's other sister Hennie was over along with her daughter Sheri and her granddaughter's Amy and Brittany. Amy is super funny. Also my Memaw's great-neice Tammy and her daughter Bethany came over. Bethany is 10 so you can imagine how bored she was. We did get talking about Twilight though. Sunday was pretty cool too. Me, Mom, and Dad meet Barb, Jenny, Jason, Leigh, Gary, Gary's Mom, Girl's kids, and Leigh's nieces for dinner. It was really nice. The kids are so cute especially Gary's son.

Birthday Dinner/ Fourth of july

2010-07-05T23:42:00.003-04:00

Yesterday was Lisa, Kim, and my birthday dinner. I must say it was nice to have my boyfriend there. It meant a lot to me. He really doesn't know how much of a difference there is in me with him home. It was great to see everyone. There was a house full though. Later I went with Jas to his house. We got some time alone to hang out. That was really nice. Anyways it was a pretty good day.

Jason's home

2010-07-05T23:39:00.003-04:00

I am thrilled to say Jason's home. It's for good he just has to keep his nose very clean for the next five years. I am so happy to have him home. I've missed him so much. You don't really truly appreciate someone until they aren't there. He has a lot of things he needs and wants to do. I hope he remembers I'm here every step of the way. I love him do very much. I will update when I have more time on him being home. All I can say is it was the best birthday gift I've ever gotten.

Jason's court date

2010-06-25T21:23:00.002-04:00

Monday which yes is my birthday is also Jason's court date. So please pray and keep good thoughts. He needs to come home and we need him home. Me, Barb, and Jenny really need him home and he needs to come home and grieve for the loss of his Dad and also to heal yet again from all the pain and guilt. Anyway I'm not getting my hopes up too high cause it hurt so badly last time but I am still hoping and praying he'll be home and done with all this. And maybe I'll heal to. If he doesn't get out I don't know what will happened I'm scared of how bad it will get. But I will fight because my love for him is worth it. He's worth it. And our future is worth it.

It's just a few days before my birthday

2010-06-25T21:15:00.003-04:00

On the 28th I'll be 28. I haven't done a lot of things I wanted to do by 28. But I am a proud Aunt. I loving sister. A care daughter and grand daughter. I good niece and cousin. I crazy and interesting friend. A insane but devoted girlfriend. Things I want for my future are to be a loving wife and an awesome Mom. If I do those two things my life will be happy. I hope to make some of my other dreams come true. Even though I'm not getting paid I truly love writing. Hopefully I'll find a career that I like. I only have one true birthday wish that is for Jason to get to come home. What gifts would I like? Money is always good. Besides that just to go out and have fun with my friends or family members would be better than any present. If Jason get's out what do I want from him? LOL it's too dirty to be put on my blog LMAO!!!

Smile more

2010-06-25T21:13:00.003-04:00

My current goal is to smile more. Hopefully Monday will give me a lot to smile about.

The issues

2010-06-25T19:46:00.002-04:00

Okay here is a break out of issues I am having at this moment in time.
1. Jason and our future. Is there an easy fix? Sure there is if he get's to come home then things will be easier. If not I will be fighting the hard fight.
2. Job yes I finally got to work but I still need a new job.
3. Money I can always use more and I have med bills stacked up.
4. My stomach the meds are working most of the time but how long will I have to take them?
5. Friends I don't have many and I'm not good at making friends. I come across as a crazy person not saying I'm not but it's a good thing.
Okay that's about it if those five things were fixed I could honestly say I don't have any real serious. They are all fixable so I will hopefully start fixing them.

Happy Father's Day

2010-06-20T17:16:00.002-04:00

Happy Father's day to all the Dad's out there. Especially my Dad. I've always been Daddy's little girl and always will be. Also Happy Father's Day to my Papaw Bob, my Uncles, my cousin, Mikey, Cameron, and all my other friends who are Daddy's.

Wednesday

2010-06-20T17:13:00.002-04:00

Wednesday I finally got to work. It was a very easy night. I was grateful to finally work. I'm hoping to get to work more now. And I am still looking for another job. Hopefully I'll be able to find a good job with day time hours.

My legs

2010-06-13T16:19:00.001-04:00

I've been having bad cramps in my legs. I don't know why. Then it just suddenly get's better. Hopefully it will stop hurting today.

Brodie and Drew

2010-06-13T16:18:00.000-04:00

My nephews are nine and five. They are so cute and I've always enjoyed spending time with them. Every hug and kiss makes my day brighter. I'm a lucky Aunt. I love the boys so very much.

A nice day with Brandy

2010-06-13T16:16:00.001-04:00

Yesterday I spent time with my older sister. Yes we live together and yes I see her almost everyday. But she and I hardly ever hang out together just the two of us. She gives good advice and makes me feel better. Yesterday we went to Brodie's baseball meeting and then shopping. It was great to get out.

Fan fics

2010-06-13T16:11:00.002-04:00

My fan fics are what is helping me through right now. Every time I write I can let out the emotions I have that need out. I love happy ending to my stories. Real life is hard enough fantasy should get a happy ending at least. Right now I'm working on a Instant Star and Gilmore Girls story. I have plans to write more stories in the future. I'm glad to have a place to express myself besides here.

Kim's having a girl

2010-06-10T01:26:00.002-04:00

Okay so I am super excited. My cousin Kim is having a girl. I love little girls not that I don't boys. But I can't wait to buy her pretty dresses, baby dolls, and barbies just like I did her Mommy. I know my Aunt Kathy and Papaw Carlos are smiling down on them. It's been nice getting to see Kim she's been watching my nephews. I got to see the sonogram video. It was so awesome.

Finding a job yet again

2010-06-10T01:23:00.002-04:00

For many reasons Money, Insurance, and actually getting to work I need a new job. I am currently looking. Here is the problem I don't really have a whole lot of skills. I have a general AA degree. And I have hand and knee issues. This leaves about 10% of the jobs out there. Out of these I am over or under qualified. Here's hoping something really good comes my way.

Seeing Jason

2010-06-10T00:41:00.002-04:00

Sunday I got to see my Baby. I miss him so much it hurts. The day was interesting to say the least. Me and Jenny (Jason's sister) left at 7:30 in the morning. It's a little drive. We stopped and got breakfast on the way. I ended up getting sick I knew I shouldn't have ate. Needless to say all I ate for the rest of the day was a few chips. It was so great to see him. I so needed to feel his arms around me his lips against mine. It made all the difference. We talked about a lot of stuff. Quite a bit of it serious subjects. The one that is still in my mind is the one about children. It's like this Jason might or might not get shock if he doesn't then his next thing will be a probation hearing in 2012 and the could not give him that either. But Jason always sees the worst case I can't say I blame him. And after what happened in April well I understand better not to get your hopes up. Anyway that could mean he would serve around four to six years. Then once he get's out he'll need time. I'm not stupid I know that. But he said he wants five years before kids. Which would put us at 11 years. When I figured that out I was like are you kidding me. I love him so much but sometimes I wonder what is he thinking? I mean first of all we don't know what will happen? No one can say what he or I will be like after that amount of time. But if I have six years I can almost guarantee I could have a lot done a house, savings, and a lot of other stuff. There fore he wouldn't have to worry about any of that. His newest argument is he doesn't want to be too old. What is too old to have kids? Because I'm going to be 28 this month not 40. Sometimes I feel like maybe I want all of it more than he does. I want him to want me and our future as much as I do. It hurts my feelings to think he doesn't love me enough. I love him enough to wait again. I love him enough to know I might not have the future I could with someone else. I love him so much I'm willing to give up almost anything. But I can't give up being a mother I can wait but I can't give it up. I think it's wrong that I should have to choose. As his sister pointed out it's selfish of him. So what does this mean for our future? I have no freakin idea. What I do know is he isn't running away and neither am I. We are too grown adults in love this should be easier than this but I learned love is never easy add in me and Jason and well let's say I need every ounce of my stubbornness and will.

fan fics

2010-06-03T23:13:00.002-04:00

I currently am working on two fan fics. In the Middle of Nowhere which is my Instant Star fan fic. And my Gilmore Girl fan fic. They are both going really well. Anyways I'm looking forward to spend more time writing.

Weekend plans

2010-06-03T23:06:00.002-04:00

So I do have plans this weekend. Saturday morning I have to go back to the doctor for my stomach recheck. The meds have helped but I'm not sure how long I can stay on them. I mean will this be a permanent thing? After my doctor's appointment I don't really have much to do. I thought if they don't have plans I'll hang with my older sister and my nephews. Sunday I am excited to say I'm going to see Jason. I can't wait to see him. I'm going with Jenny Jason's older sister. She's best friends with my sister and has known me my whole life so she's already practically my sister. She has always been supportive of me and Jason. It means a lot to both of us. Anyways we will be going for the day and it's a little drive so it will be an allday event. I am hoping to work on my fan fics this weekend too. Monday I am watching my nephews during the day while my sister works. My sister is also being nice enough to throw some money her broke sisters way. Man I love her lol. I'm still on the job hunt no bites yet. Hopefully by the end of summer I'll have a new good job and I can get out of debt again.

My Week so far

2010-06-03T23:00:00.002-04:00

Well I am finally on the mend from being sick. Tuesday was the first day I really felt any better. Tuesday was also the last day of school. So now my lil sis is a Senior, my oldest nephew Brodie is a 4th grader, and Drew my youngest nephew is a first grader now. I feel so old. Anyways I was suppose to work Wed. night. Well they didn't need me. Which was probably good because I didn't sleep much. Tonight I was suppose to work and again they didn't need me. I so need the money. Not sure what to do at this point. Hilights of the week so far is I got to spend some time with my nephews and my older sis. I also got to see my cousin Kim. Her little baby tummy is so cute. She's such a sweet girl I am really hoping her morning sickness get's better soon. I also got to talk to my lil sis Kristine on the phone last night. I missed her last weekend. She'll be here to watch our nephews tomorrow so I'll be glad to see her.

Boring weekend

2010-06-03T22:55:00.002-04:00

So last weekend was boring. I was sick and spent almost the whole weekend in bed. I had pretty much no voice. I was suppose to go see Jason but I couldn't do that either. But I did get to talk with him on the phone for a few minutes Saturday. I don't think he could hear that well though. Anyway Sunday was Jason's birthday. My baby is officially 30 now. This in itself would cause the I'm getting old thing but that along with this being the ninth birthday he spend in prison well it's alot. And he misses his Mom and me alot. He's been so worried about his mom and sister. And he's still trying to deal with his Dad's passing away. It's a lot almost too much for one person. This was all I could think about Sunday. Monday i was still in bed. I watched alot of crappy tv and a little good tv read a ton of fan fics. Like i said a boring weekend over all.

Sick

2010-05-29T00:04:00.002-04:00

I hate being sick. Because of ear and immune system issues I've been sick a lot in my life. Sometimes the least little infection can cause a whole bunch of issues. Anyway this time it's my throat well a little cold too and my ears but mainly my throat. I currently have no voice. This would be okay except I'm going to see Jason tomorrow. That means it sucks. Anyways when I get to feeling better I'm sure I'll have a lot to blog about.

Jason

2010-05-21T00:17:00.002-04:00

Jason's shock hearing has been set. It will be on my birthday. That means this will either be the best or worst birthday I've ever had. I am hoping it's a good sign. See I have this unhealthy obession with my birthday. I mean I love it. You say everyone loves their birthdays. No not like me my family has dealt with it the most. Anyway here's hoping 28 will be the best birthday I've ever had.

Fan fics

2010-05-21T00:14:00.002-04:00

I have made some time to write. Honestly my writing is one of the only things that is right on course right now. I'm happy and excited to see where each of my stories are headed. Every review makes me want to write more. Who knows maybe one day my passion will be for something more than a hobby.

Work

2010-05-21T00:12:00.002-04:00

Well I didn't work tonight. But I did last night. I had another night which was physically and mentally exhausting. I honestly have no idea about my work future. Jason told me I deserve better than this job I wish i could see that.

Good days and bad days

2010-05-21T00:05:00.002-04:00

I guess I'm like everyone else in the world but I honestly don't feel like I am. I feel this sadness I can't explain these days. I don't smile or laugh as much. Heck I'm not even crying. I just don't feel anything. I miss Jason so much. But that isn't the end of it. I'm not happy with my job. I'm not happy period. I want to be so much more than this shell of a person I am slowly becoming. I want to be a good Aunt, sister, daughter, friend, and yes I want to be a better girlfriend to. Jason may not know this but he deserves the best and I want to be that for him. I have a good family and some friends I have Chrissie who is one of my closet friends. I have my nephews who can bring the old me out. Than there's Jason he's my bestfriend, my soulmate, and my heart. I'm hoping I can snap out of this for all of those who love me. It's unfair to them all.

de·pres·sion

2010-05-21T00:03:00.000-04:00

de·pres·sion
1.the act of depressing.
2.the state of being depressed.
3.a depressed or sunken place or part; an area lower than the surrounding surface.
4.sadness; gloom; dejection.
5.Psychiatry. a condition of general emotional dejection and withdrawal; sadness greater and more prolonged than that warranted by any objective reason.Compare clinical depression.
6.dullness or inactivity, as of trade.

I won't

2010-05-16T21:42:00.000-04:00

Artist: Colbie Caillat lyrics
Title: I Won't

I won't do what you told me
I won't do what you said (no)
I'm not gonna stop feeling
I'm not gonna forget it
I don't wanna start over
I don't wanna pretend it
You are not my lover
Guess you're only my friend

Cause when it took my heart
It took it all
When you gave it back
I fell apart

So...

I won't do what you told me
I won't do what you said, no
I'm not gonna stop feeling
I'm not gonna forget it
I don't wanna start over
I don't wanna pretend it
You are not my lover
Guess you're only my friend
My friend
I won't...

Well, maybe you're not right for me
Maybe this is hard to see
I get lost in your beauty
And I just stop questioning
Cause when you took my heart
You took it all
When you gave it back
It fell apart

So...

I won't do what you told me
I won't do what you said, no
I'm not gonna stop feeling
I'm not gonna forget it
I don't wanna start over
I don't wanna pretend it
You are not my lover
Guess you're only my friend
Friend
I won't...

You say it's easier to burn than to build
You say it's easier to hurt than to heal
But I say you lose when you give up what you love
And I've lived my life without you long enough

So...

I won't do what you told me
I won't do what you said, no
I'm not gonna stop feeling
I'm not gonna forget it
I don't wanna start over
I don't wanna pretend it
You are not my lover
Guess you're only my friend
Friend
I won't...

No, I won't...

Sunday

2010-05-16T21:39:00.001-04:00

Well today has been pretty cool too. After we got up Chrissie brought Kristine and I home. Then Jenny picked us and Mom up. Mom went out to her house and we went to eat. Then we went to the movies. We saw Letters to Juliet it was awesome. The soundtrack was great too. Now I am super tried though.

Saturday

2010-05-16T21:37:00.001-04:00

Kristine and I went with Chrissie dogsitting. We got snacks and pizza. The food was good and it was pretty awesome. But I didn't sleep well. Anyways thanks for a cool weekend Chrissie.

Friday

2010-05-16T21:29:00.003-04:00

Friday Chrissie, Kristine, and I went to the mall. We ate Chinesse it was super yummy. Then we shopped it was fun. Too bad I didn't have any money. LOL! Anyway it was cool.

Work

2010-05-16T21:27:00.001-04:00

I worked Thursday night. It was an insane night. I'm still sore.

Mother's Day

2010-05-11T22:46:00.002-04:00

Well I didn't feel good much of the day. I was very tired. Bran and I got my Mom flowers and Bran planted them. They look very pretty. I just gave Barb money since I couldn't get out and get her what I wanted to. But atleast I have a good idea for Christmas. Anyways it was nice to see everyone. By the way my cousin Kim is pregnant. I'm actaully excited and happy for her. I hope she has a very happy and healthy baby in November and I hope she will let me know if I can help. Kim maybe my cousin but she always been like a sister to me in my heart. I know my Aunt Kathy after getting over the shock would've been excited about this baby. Anyways to all those mother's out there I hope you had a very happy Mother's day.

Jason and the bad dreams

2010-05-11T22:42:00.002-04:00

I've been having a lot of bad dreams involving Jason. In most of them he's either calling out for me and I can't get to him. Or I'm calling out for him and he's not there. I'm sure just about any shrink could tell I miss him and I'm worried about the future. All I want is a future with him. I want to be his wife and mother of his babies. I mean honestly is that too much to ask for? Anyways tonight I was told that I have a letter on the way from him I might not like. I am hoping it's not too bad I'm not sure how much more I can take before I'm sitting in a corner crying.

Doctor

2010-05-11T21:55:00.002-04:00

I finally went to the doctor for my stomach. He said it's not my ulcer or stress. But he didn't really say what it was. I have meds and he put me back on my blood pressure meds. I've been very tired and at time not feeling too good. But I think I'm bouncing back at least I hope I am.

The End

2010-05-11T21:50:00.002-04:00

So after the funeral I was hurting not just mentally I was physically hurting. I felt like I had been hit by a truck. There was a dinner after everything was over. I was eating with my cousin, Memaw, and my sisters. Anyway I got up and end up getting sick. Yeah it was very embrassing. Of coarse I'm sure Jason's whole family though I was pregnant. Well it lead to me finally going to the doctor but that's another blog. Anyways after that I just sat down. One of Jason's friend's from high school came over. He was very nice and it was nice to meet him. He was talking about Jason and I kind of wanted to laugh cause I could tell Jason had told him about me at some point. It was like he knew me even though he didn't. I went home and rested the rest of the night after the dinner. I felt terrible.